31 October 2011

In January, I left you behind for a concert in Taipei. The first time I bought a ticket to a pop concert, the first time I flew somewhere for a weekend for a frivolous reason, but you understood. And you said, hurry there. We celebrated your birthday before I left. In February, you fell ill on the first day of the Lunar New Year. We spent the rest of the holiday in the hospital. By the end of March, we were offered help and no longer hope. In April, you bode farewell before you got to see me on TV.

D woke up at 10/31/2011 11:54:00 PM [comment]

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02 October 2011

我要說多少次的 再見 我才能真正揮手而不 回首 我要冷漠戳破我 心膜 多久 我才能死心踏地而不 怯懦 我要多少的因果 循環 我才能堅決道心而去 解脫

D woke up at 10/02/2011 10:53:00 PM [comment]

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06 September 2011

So I caught Beginners tonight. It was a lovely little film that I probably won't remember in detail, but largely in fragments and how it made me feel. I guess most films give me that anyway. But this film is special. I'm like Oliver in the film, shuttling between memories of her and reality. Some days I stare blankly into a face of a lady who reminds me of her. Some mornings I get stuck reading a word that triggers my memory of my childhood. Some evenings I drive down the highway and I remember the days when she was still in the backseat and I would have to slow down intentionally. Or the nights I left the hospital in a kind of nervous anxiety. I wished I spent all my waking moments with her in the two years. Most days I get by, but by the end of week, I always find myself wishing for a long holiday just to write about her and think about her because I still her around me, and I want to feel her around. I don't want her to leave, really, if you ask me. I wished you were here.

D woke up at 9/06/2011 11:34:00 PM [comment]

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16 August 2011

D woke up at 8/16/2011 12:34:00 AM [comment]

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D woke up at 8/16/2011 12:32:00 AM [comment]

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07 August 2011

D woke up at 8/07/2011 11:25:00 PM [comment]

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02 August 2011

i was drained by the end of the day, awake for almost 14 hours, and working most of the time.
when i got home, i just laid on the tatami and fell asleep, never mind my perspiration.

i realised, after a shower, that you have been leading a life like that for at least the last ten years of your working life.
how exhausting.
did you finally get a proper rest?

i remember you in bits and pieces.
some from my primary school, but mostly from your tortured life in the catholic high office.
somedays i still feel like walking into the principal's office and giving him a really good talk.
most days, i remember how you told me to forgive and forget, while you smiled and made dinner for all of us.

i miss your cooking, a lot.
good culinary skills was something that mattered to you.
i regret not tasting that stewed pork you made on chinese new year because i was already vegetarian.

i cannot look past the fact that you're gone in your photographs.
some things get better with time.
but missing someone you know is gone forever, doesn't.

D woke up at 8/02/2011 10:07:00 PM [comment]

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19 July 2011

time to leave
i like the inevitability, the power of three harmless words combined

i don't think i can ever cry enough
reach a point where i can say, yes, i'm done with grieving

how can anyone be done with grieving

perhaps at that point, one knows that he is already done with everything

D woke up at 7/19/2011 09:29:00 PM [comment]

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12 June 2011

突然又想起那天坐在地上幫妳向舊同事道歉。
即便妳一直都是清白無辜的，離開的時候難免要為無意造成的誤解解釋。
離世的時候可以清清白白的。
是的，或許我偶爾會在自己日常生活中失覺而讓你誤解，生氣。
對不起，我無惡意。
只想好好的做人。

D woke up at 6/12/2011 11:11:00 PM [comment]

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18 May 2011

媽妳真的走了嗎？
偶爾也只不過想依偎在妳懷裡。
外面的世界太累人了。
我唯一能肯定擁有的，是妳給我的愛。

我記得小時候睡醒，哭著要妳不要上班。
我記得小時候睡醒，跑到妳房間裡，妳留下的香水味。
我記得小時候睡醒，妳不在房裡，我莫名其妙哭著打電話到學校裡找妳。

我記得長大後那天到醫院看妳，妳得知自己時日不多，妳凝望我淡定卻徹底失落的表情 － 好像被世界擊敗了。

我記得那天爸爸和哥哥弟弟們為阿嬤祭祖，我一個人留下來陪著妳。
青春期後，好像就沒有一起同床睡覺了。可我忘了那是我們之間最親密接觸的感覺。
妳總在睡前跟我說好多話，然後說晚安 goodnight。是的，晚安 goodnight。妳堅信的雙語教育。
那天妳卻一直說對不起，害我要在家裡陪妳。我沒有埋怨，一直說不要緊。
我記得那天我睡醒，妳唱著菩薩聖號，整理房裡的東西。甚麼甚麼給誰，甚麼甚麼給誰。聲音瞭亮，中氣十足。
我記得，因為，那是妳在末期最活躍的片刻了。

今天妳離開已50天了。
我天天想著妳。
但我的煩惱不曉得為甚麼近日也突然加劇。

很孤獨。

媽，我們這一生是不是注定要孤獨的？

那天妳回來，妝画的太濃。
我們要讓妳的眉毛再自然。
我跑到妳的抽屜想拿眉筆，卻已找不到。
妳把所有的身外物都舍掉了。

媽，我們這一生是不是會終究深感孤獨？

我記得有一天爸爸傳了簡訊問我是不是很失落。
他說那是妳的觀察。
我因為害怕妳擔心而不敢把真實的局面告訴妳。
我是失落的。
但我回家看到妳跟我微笑，我便沒事了。

媽，我再也找不到依偎了。
我以為我能找到，但我已不確定。

媽，今晚我是一個人的。
每個晚上，我都是一個人的。
你也一樣嗎？

D woke up at 5/18/2011 08:31:00 PM [comment]

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26 April 2011

I was exasperated with the speed of the computer today and let out a flat monotonous "ahhh..." which traced me immediately to the cries I heard from you the day before you left. We never knew what they were for, as you were already drifting between different states of consciousness. I think I saw a sparkle of tear in your eye when you were about to draw your last breath. I am not sure, but I don't think you should cry. You were in great pain, now no longer.

I wished I could spend more time with you. I am only 25. That's about the official number of years I've spent with you. But deducting the time I was in army, the time I was rebelling against you, the times I was travelling, the times away from home. I wonder if you ever felt or knew how much I loved you. I could never repay those years. I wanted to, I am about to, now that I am working, but I am unable to.

We were chanting the Sutra of Impermanence earlier in the evening for you. It makes so much sense every time I read it. Death is not lovable, death is not lustrous.

I am headed towards a burn out. Everyday I end work feeling like I want to head home and bury my head in my pillow.

I have been swimming again, no longer running, I don't think I have energy for running. Soaking my body in the cool of the water is amazingly therapeutic. I might feel better to start lifting weights again.

But for now, I really need a flight, a journey, a few days of non-talking.

D woke up at 4/26/2011 10:19:00 PM [comment]

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20 April 2011

I am feeling fine emotionally, to my own bewilderment, but I have been experiencing an ache that disturbs me periodically on my right chest area. My emotional turmoil always seems to manifest itself on my physical being. I never get to feel a heart ache, but my body griefs, as if to ground me in the actual painful loss.

D woke up at 4/20/2011 08:32:00 PM [comment]

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16 April 2011

時間總是流逝的太快 － 還未來得及收拾悲傷，有得立刻帶給別人歡笑。

D woke up at 4/16/2011 11:50:00 AM [comment]

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13 April 2011

事發後第一次搭地鐵，在腦袋裡思考應該在哪個車站轉車。邏輯也是你從小灌輸的。一輩子的細節都與妳息息相關。

D woke up at 4/13/2011 04:19:00 PM [comment]

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10 April 2011

第一天到小學上課，妳和爸爸在休息時間，買了一盤五毛錢的炒粿條。黑色的粿條面，白黃參半的魚餅，翠綠色的盤子 － 我人生第一堂買賣交易課。我記得校園的圓形石桌，後門茂密的爬牆草在籬笆上攀岩。那個時候，島國的天氣好像沒有那麼熱。之後妳教我搭 8 號巴士，自行走路回家。8 號路線如今也已改名608。

D woke up at 4/10/2011 12:49:00 AM [comment]

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D woke up at 4/10/2011 12:31:00 AM [comment]

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16 March 2011

My mom met with the advanced stage doctor, or 晚期醫生, in the morning yesterday. I arrived in the hospital in the evening where she was running a fever. Worn out from the medication, she was drowsy but perked up when she saw me. My dad headed out for dinner that I packed from the hawker stall we first frequented when my mom began her chemotherapy - a place that had a fairly tasty vegetarian option neighboring a selection of authentic double boiled herbal soups that was apparently good for her in that period of time.

She couldn't say much, but my name, faltering a little, feeble with tears held back in her eyes. I nodded and told her, that I knew. But what did I really?

She closed her eyes and went back to sleep, while I asked her to breathe in slow and controlled movements. Ah, the significance of one's breath. We've taken it so much for granted that we forget it is the simplest breath we breathe in that keeps us alive.

I stared at her while she slept.

When she woke, I asked if she was afraid. She said, no, she was calm, this was always on the back of her mind, but she had been keeping her hopes high for a miracle.

D woke up at 3/16/2011 03:22:00 PM [comment]

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13 March 2011

D woke up at 3/13/2011 03:57:00 AM [comment]

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07 March 2011

From The New York Times

The Paradoxes of Grief

To the Editor:

Re “Why We Write About Grief” (Week in Review, Feb. 27):

Meghan O’Rourke and Joyce Carol Oates highlight that grief is fraught with inherent paradoxes and dualities: a longing for a sense of coherence, meaning and order, when everything feels incomprehensible, unjust and meaningless; the feeling that one’s grief is deeply private and unspeakable, while outsiders are watching and observing as the mourner grieves; grappling with how to live fully within this world, while simultaneously living a secret and parallel internal life with the deceased; the knowledge that time keeps passing, with a simultaneous feeling that time remains frozen.

And oftentimes, there are disappointed hopes and profound feelings of rage and hurt that coexist with feelings of love and tenderness. The mourner’s creation of a narrative of loss, and the listener’s receiving of that narrative without judgment or expectation, holds a place for the complexities and paradoxes of grief.

It is also in the telling of the story of loss by the mourner, and the embracing of that story by the one who listens, that the deceased continues to exist in the memory, heart and mind of the mourner, and also comes to be known and endure in the minds of all who come to embrace the mourner’s narrative.

Janet Plotkin-Bornstein
New York, Feb. 27, 2011

The writer is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst.

D woke up at 3/07/2011 11:10:00 AM [comment]

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02 March 2011

fuck you very much

D woke up at 3/02/2011 12:22:00 AM [comment]

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27 February 2011

D woke up at 2/27/2011 10:17:00 PM [comment]

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20 February 2011

D woke up at 2/20/2011 10:21:00 PM [comment]

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10 February 2011

今年我都很敷衍得避開「你如何過農曆新年」的問題。回答總是「吃吃喝喝」，即便和以往的農曆年相較，今年的農曆年我並沒有肆無忌憚的吃喝玩樂。

媽媽初一發燒進醫院，一家大小早上趕到醫院的急診室，我爸爸跟我說，「應該沒事」，拍了我的肩膀，然後又說，「但我們要有心裡準備」，而後他自己無奈哽咽，無法站立，立即坐下，頭往下垂，雙手緊緊扣著自己的脖子，眼神朝下，暗自強忍淚水。

我看著他哭得幾乎沒有聲音，然後拿出一貫隨身攜帶的手帕，模了雙眼。

那是媽媽生病以來他第二次在我面前讓自己的情緒釋放。媽媽隨後在初五出院。我的四天假期就是醫院＋家裡＋外快工作。（後來也後悔接下外快工作，雖然錢總是要賺，但時間卻賺不回。）

新年好像就這樣的一個鏡頭定格著的。我不迷信，所以並不相信兆頭的好壞，但我知道，不管怎樣，今年還是有機會再團圓了，那也算是一種幸福，一種安慰。

D woke up at 2/10/2011 09:34:00 PM [comment]

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06 February 2011

1）今天坐在河畔吃飯看到很多客工。我們一直都是，也應該永遠都會是個移民社會。濱海灣已變成了 Central Park 或淡水河或上海珍珠塔一樣，客工們打拼，飄流他鄉，會聚一起的共同記憶。我說記憶，因為我真的希望他們有朝一日能回國與家人歡聚，然後老了，駝背了，再設法回來在這河畔旁遊走，然後細述往事。

2）新年歌曲，他們選唱：我的青春小鳥一去不回來。那是我媽媽常唱給我聽的一首歌曲。

3）傍晚，地鐵站旁的草原，一地空曠，只有兩名來自印度的客工，坐在翠綠的草皮上。其中一名客工躺臥在另一名客工的大腿上，一臉愁容。我開著車子，閃過。

D woke up at 2/06/2011 10:37:00 PM [comment]

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26 January 2011

Reclusive best describes my current social condition. A lot of silences, a lot of time off, spent sleeping mostly.

Some grievances with the management and the general administrative body at work. But I keep telling myself it's my first job, perhaps this is the clockwork of the general working world. I'm enjoying the work, but some practices irk me.

D woke up at 1/26/2011 11:46:00 PM [comment]

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