in medias res

2011-10-31T23:54:00.001+08:00

In January, I left you behind for a concert in Taipei. The first time I bought a ticket to a pop concert, the first time I flew somewhere for a weekend for a frivolous reason, but you understood. And you said, hurry there.We celebrated your birthday before I left.In February, you fell ill on the first day of the Lunar New Year. We spent the rest of the holiday in the hospital.By the end of March, we were offered help and no longer hope.In April, you bode farewell before you got to see me on TV.

2011-10-02T22:53:00.001+08:00

我要說多少次的再見我才能真正揮手而不回首我要冷漠戳破我心膜多久我才能死心踏地而不怯懦我要多少的因果循環我才能堅決道心而去解脫

2011-09-06T23:34:00.003+08:00

Beginners Soundtrack by Beginners Soundtrack

So I caught Beginners tonight. It was a lovely little film that I probably won't remember in detail, but largely in fragments and how it made me feel. I guess most films give me that anyway. But this film is special. I'm like Oliver in the film, shuttling between memories of her and reality. Some days I stare blankly into a face of a lady who reminds me of her. Some mornings I get stuck reading a word that triggers my memory of my childhood. Some evenings I drive down the highway and I remember the days when she was still in the backseat and I would have to slow down intentionally. Or the nights I left the hospital in a kind of nervous anxiety. I wished I spent all my waking moments with her in the two years. Most days I get by, but by the end of week, I always find myself wishing for a long holiday just to write about her and think about her because I still her around me, and I want to feel her around. I don't want her to leave, really, if you ask me. I wished you were here.

2011-08-16T00:34:00.002+08:00

等不到天亮，美夢就醒來

2011-08-16T00:32:00.000+08:00

給我一輩子送妳離開

2011-08-07T23:25:00.002+08:00

最近善㝉一直問：奶奶在哪裡？
今天他又問了，整個餐桌望著他一面天真模樣而微笑。
他忘了自己曾在妳靈堂前拍照。

2011-08-02T22:07:00.002+08:00

i was drained by the end of the day, awake for almost 14 hours, and working most of the time.
when i got home, i just laid on the tatami and fell asleep, never mind my perspiration.

i realised, after a shower, that you have been leading a life like that for at least the last ten years of your working life.
how exhausting.
did you finally get a proper rest?

i remember you in bits and pieces.
some from my primary school, but mostly from your tortured life in the catholic high office.
somedays i still feel like walking into the principal's office and giving him a really good talk.
most days, i remember how you told me to forgive and forget, while you smiled and made dinner for all of us.

i miss your cooking, a lot.
good culinary skills was something that mattered to you.
i regret not tasting that stewed pork you made on chinese new year because i was already vegetarian.

i cannot look past the fact that you're gone in your photographs.
some things get better with time.
but missing someone you know is gone forever, doesn't.

2011-07-19T21:29:00.002+08:00

time to leave
i like the inevitability, the power of three harmless words combined

i don't think i can ever cry enough
reach a point where i can say, yes, i'm done with grieving

how can anyone be done with grieving

perhaps at that point, one knows that he is already done with everything

2011-06-12T23:11:00.002+08:00

突然又想起那天坐在地上幫妳向舊同事道歉。
即便妳一直都是清白無辜的，離開的時候難免要為無意造成的誤解解釋。
離世的時候可以清清白白的。
是的，或許我偶爾會在自己日常生活中失覺而讓你誤解，生氣。
對不起，我無惡意。
只想好好的做人。

2011-05-18T20:31:00.002+08:00

媽妳真的走了嗎？
偶爾也只不過想依偎在妳懷裡。
外面的世界太累人了。
我唯一能肯定擁有的，是妳給我的愛。

我記得小時候睡醒，哭著要妳不要上班。
我記得小時候睡醒，跑到妳房間裡，妳留下的香水味。
我記得小時候睡醒，妳不在房裡，我莫名其妙哭著打電話到學校裡找妳。

我記得長大後那天到醫院看妳，妳得知自己時日不多，妳凝望我淡定卻徹底失落的表情－好像被世界擊敗了。

我記得那天爸爸和哥哥弟弟們為阿嬤祭祖，我一個人留下來陪著妳。
青春期後，好像就沒有一起同床睡覺了。可我忘了那是我們之間最親密接觸的感覺。
妳總在睡前跟我說好多話，然後說晚安 goodnight。是的，晚安 goodnight。妳堅信的雙語教育。
那天妳卻一直說對不起，害我要在家裡陪妳。我沒有埋怨，一直說不要緊。
我記得那天我睡醒，妳唱著菩薩聖號，整理房裡的東西。甚麼甚麼給誰，甚麼甚麼給誰。聲音瞭亮，中氣十足。
我記得，因為，那是妳在末期最活躍的片刻了。

今天妳離開已50天了。
我天天想著妳。
但我的煩惱不曉得為甚麼近日也突然加劇。

很孤獨。

媽，我們這一生是不是注定要孤獨的？

那天妳回來，妝画的太濃。
我們要讓妳的眉毛再自然。
我跑到妳的抽屜想拿眉筆，卻已找不到。
妳把所有的身外物都舍掉了。

媽，我們這一生是不是會終究深感孤獨？

我記得有一天爸爸傳了簡訊問我是不是很失落。
他說那是妳的觀察。
我因為害怕妳擔心而不敢把真實的局面告訴妳。
我是失落的。
但我回家看到妳跟我微笑，我便沒事了。

媽，我再也找不到依偎了。
我以為我能找到，但我已不確定。

媽，今晚我是一個人的。
每個晚上，我都是一個人的。
你也一樣嗎？

2011-04-26T22:19:00.002+08:00

I was exasperated with the speed of the computer today and let out a flat monotonous "ahhh..." which traced me immediately to the cries I heard from you the day before you left. We never knew what they were for, as you were already drifting between different states of consciousness. I think I saw a sparkle of tear in your eye when you were about to draw your last breath. I am not sure, but I don't think you should cry. You were in great pain, now no longer.

I wished I could spend more time with you. I am only 25. That's about the official number of years I've spent with you. But deducting the time I was in army, the time I was rebelling against you, the times I was travelling, the times away from home. I wonder if you ever felt or knew how much I loved you. I could never repay those years. I wanted to, I am about to, now that I am working, but I am unable to.

We were chanting the Sutra of Impermanence earlier in the evening for you. It makes so much sense every time I read it. Death is not lovable, death is not lustrous.

I am headed towards a burn out. Everyday I end work feeling like I want to head home and bury my head in my pillow.

I have been swimming again, no longer running, I don't think I have energy for running. Soaking my body in the cool of the water is amazingly therapeutic. I might feel better to start lifting weights again.

But for now, I really need a flight, a journey, a few days of non-talking.

2011-04-20T20:32:00.003+08:00

I am feeling fine emotionally, to my own bewilderment, but I have been experiencing an ache that disturbs me periodically on my right chest area. My emotional turmoil always seems to manifest itself on my physical being. I never get to feel a heart ache, but my body griefs, as if to ground me in the actual painful loss.

2011-04-16T11:50:00.001+08:00

時間總是流逝的太快－還未來得及收拾悲傷，有得立刻帶給別人歡笑。

2011-04-13T16:19:00.000+08:00

事發後第一次搭地鐵，在腦袋裡思考應該在哪個車站轉車。邏輯也是你從小灌輸的。一輩子的細節都與妳息息相關。

2011-04-10T00:49:00.003+08:00

第一天到小學上課，妳和爸爸在休息時間，買了一盤五毛錢的炒粿條。黑色的粿條面，白黃參半的魚餅，翠綠色的盤子－我人生第一堂買賣交易課。我記得校園的圓形石桌，後門茂密的爬牆草在籬笆上攀岩。那個時候，島國的天氣好像沒有那麼熱。之後妳教我搭 8 號巴士，自行走路回家。8 號路線如今也已改名608。

2011-04-10T00:31:00.002+08:00

思念在深夜裡來襲
卻也無法拉緊我們之間的距離
但妳也不要再靠近
我們都希望妳趕緊奔跑向光明

2011-03-16T15:22:00.002+08:00

My mom met with the advanced stage doctor, or 晚期醫生, in the morning yesterday. I arrived in the hospital in the evening where she was running a fever. Worn out from the medication, she was drowsy but perked up when she saw me. My dad headed out for dinner that I packed from the hawker stall we first frequented when my mom began her chemotherapy - a place that had a fairly tasty vegetarian option neighboring a selection of authentic double boiled herbal soups that was apparently good for her in that period of time.

She couldn't say much, but my name, faltering a little, feeble with tears held back in her eyes. I nodded and told her, that I knew. But what did I really?

She closed her eyes and went back to sleep, while I asked her to breathe in slow and controlled movements. Ah, the significance of one's breath. We've taken it so much for granted that we forget it is the simplest breath we breathe in that keeps us alive.

I stared at her while she slept.

When she woke, I asked if she was afraid. She said, no, she was calm, this was always on the back of her mind, but she had been keeping her hopes high for a miracle.

2011-03-13T03:57:00.002+08:00

Dear R, There are summers that I may never perhaps forget. But they went away, and so did I. You will be fine.

2011-03-07T11:10:00.001+08:00

From The New York Times

The Paradoxes of Grief

To the Editor:

Re “Why We Write About Grief” (Week in Review, Feb. 27):

Meghan O’Rourke and Joyce Carol Oates highlight that grief is fraught with inherent paradoxes and dualities: a longing for a sense of coherence, meaning and order, when everything feels incomprehensible, unjust and meaningless; the feeling that one’s grief is deeply private and unspeakable, while outsiders are watching and observing as the mourner grieves; grappling with how to live fully within this world, while simultaneously living a secret and parallel internal life with the deceased; the knowledge that time keeps passing, with a simultaneous feeling that time remains frozen.

And oftentimes, there are disappointed hopes and profound feelings of rage and hurt that coexist with feelings of love and tenderness. The mourner’s creation of a narrative of loss, and the listener’s receiving of that narrative without judgment or expectation, holds a place for the complexities and paradoxes of grief.

It is also in the telling of the story of loss by the mourner, and the embracing of that story by the one who listens, that the deceased continues to exist in the memory, heart and mind of the mourner, and also comes to be known and endure in the minds of all who come to embrace the mourner’s narrative.

Janet Plotkin-Bornstein
New York, Feb. 27, 2011

The writer is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst.

2011-03-02T00:22:00.001+08:00

fuck you very much

2011-02-27T22:17:00.003+08:00

New York, before we ventured into Central Park, I forced Anderson to run into and lie on a field that had amazing light. It was evening, it was getting cooler; he was still nursing a heartbreak, and I was still getting used to the idea of being in New York.

2011-02-20T22:21:00.000+08:00

2011 年的第四次了。
你不敢大肆的哭泣，而我多麼希望你無需含著淚一人獨自哽咽。
你可以嚎啕大哭，不要不好意思。
或許釋放出來了，你會又再好一些，釋懷一些。

2011-02-10T21:34:00.003+08:00

今年我都很敷衍得避開「你如何過農曆新年」的問題。回答總是「吃吃喝喝」，即便和以往的農曆年相較，今年的農曆年我並沒有肆無忌憚的吃喝玩樂。

媽媽初一發燒進醫院，一家大小早上趕到醫院的急診室，我爸爸跟我說，「應該沒事」，拍了我的肩膀，然後又說，「但我們要有心裡準備」，而後他自己無奈哽咽，無法站立，立即坐下，頭往下垂，雙手緊緊扣著自己的脖子，眼神朝下，暗自強忍淚水。

我看著他哭得幾乎沒有聲音，然後拿出一貫隨身攜帶的手帕，模了雙眼。

那是媽媽生病以來他第二次在我面前讓自己的情緒釋放。媽媽隨後在初五出院。我的四天假期就是醫院＋家裡＋外快工作。（後來也後悔接下外快工作，雖然錢總是要賺，但時間卻賺不回。）

新年好像就這樣的一個鏡頭定格著的。我不迷信，所以並不相信兆頭的好壞，但我知道，不管怎樣，今年還是有機會再團圓了，那也算是一種幸福，一種安慰。

2011-02-06T22:37:00.004+08:00

1）今天坐在河畔吃飯看到很多客工。我們一直都是，也應該永遠都會是個移民社會。濱海灣已變成了 Central Park 或淡水河或上海珍珠塔一樣，客工們打拼，飄流他鄉，會聚一起的共同記憶。我說記憶，因為我真的希望他們有朝一日能回國與家人歡聚，然後老了，駝背了，再設法回來在這河畔旁遊走，然後細述往事。

2）新年歌曲，他們選唱：我的青春小鳥一去不回來。那是我媽媽常唱給我聽的一首歌曲。

3）傍晚，地鐵站旁的草原，一地空曠，只有兩名來自印度的客工，坐在翠綠的草皮上。其中一名客工躺臥在另一名客工的大腿上，一臉愁容。我開著車子，閃過。

2011-01-26T23:46:00.002+08:00

Reclusive best describes my current social condition. A lot of silences, a lot of time off, spent sleeping mostly.

Some grievances with the management and the general administrative body at work. But I keep telling myself it's my first job, perhaps this is the clockwork of the general working world. I'm enjoying the work, but some practices irk me.

2010-12-13T22:54:00.000+08:00

2010-11-30T22:06:00.002+08:00

I studied these two photographs tonight as a million things flew above my head.

2010-11-28T23:50:00.002+08:00

2010-10-12T23:05:00.001+08:00

累小小，但愛很大

2010-10-06T21:18:00.001+08:00

今晚開車回家的路上看到：
孤獨的玻璃電梯滿載凝結的空氣緩緩上升
一隻巨大白色毛茸茸的肥狗，隨著在主人步步行走而搖晃的包裹在迷你裙子裡的肉感臀部，配合節奏地搖曳尾巴
坐在大型貨車後座，差點與我車子碰撞，卻依然淡定，或許疲憊的外國客工
是我看錯了嗎？今晚的暮色好似偏向粉色的淺紅
望後鏡裡，我曬黑的皮膚開始出油，眼神透露些許操勞
泊了車後，滿身黑色斑點的小貓，爬過我車子下層，然後用後腿站立，瞭望草叢中旬我肉眼無法辨識的細微生物
好久未染髮的媽媽，摔著手，駝著背，走向大門，幫我解鎖

2010-09-14T22:04:00.004+08:00

My aunt passed away last Thursday. We were about to visit her in the hospital when my grandfather called and rendered the trip unnecessary. There was no crying in the family, but my mom was especially put down by the news. It didn't help that our family Chinese sinseh, who knew my body better than I did, and whom was my mother's confidant since her university days passed on the exact same day, a few hours before my aunt.

The concept of death and someone's passing is depressing, but when I was beside the coffin, staring at my aunt, once alive, inside, I was speechless. I thought I saw her lips twitch. She used to always do that when she was alive.

She went too quickly, my cousins said. We were never close, but I could feel their despair. She fell, and had an operation on her wounded leg. She woke up and was fine after the operation, but collapsed into a coma the next afternoon. Her organs started failing. Bacterial infection, the doctors said. And they had nothing, but antibiotics that didn't work. When she passed, her legs were healed already. The night before, they were all crowded around her bed, speaking to her. A tear fell from the edge of her eye.

* * *

Work has consumed me. Wholly and undeniably. There are endless things to do, and we're not exactly the most efficient and professional organization. Friendship reigns ahead of professional ability. I wonder if it's the same everywhere. Perhaps it's the passiveness inherent in my character. I am too laid back and run on a generally low energy level. I prefer to keep things friendly but professional. I don't talk much usually, and I guess I am just so drained by noon time, I love my lunch gym sessions, how it invigorates me just because I get to have some quiet time.

My drive home today was full of headlights in soft focus. I couldn't stand the noise on the bandwidths so I switched everything off. I could only hear my foot tapping on the accelerator, the disgruntled engine echoing my thoughts.

But this too, will pass.

2010-08-28T13:33:00.002+08:00

My Own Private America #9

Santa Monica Boulevard (Could Smell Abercrombie Somewhere), Los Angeles

2010-08-24T22:26:00.000+08:00

My Own Private America #8

On The Road, Santa Babara

2010-08-01T16:30:00.000+08:00

My Own Private America #7

Hollywood, Los Angeles

2010-07-29T15:33:00.002+08:00

My Own Private America #6

The New York Times Building, New York

2010-07-28T10:51:00.003+08:00

我們常在行走的路途中突然迷慌失措，但在終點，我們也只不過是為了看到這般的眼神、笑容。
一切都值得了。

2010-07-26T02:05:00.002+08:00

My Own Private America #5

On the Road, North 101 Highway

2010-07-25T02:23:00.001+08:00

My Own Private America #4

M16 - Bus to Manhattan from La Guardia, New York

2010-07-24T13:32:00.001+08:00

My Own Private America #3

Central Park, New York

2010-07-23T01:00:00.000+08:00

My Own Private America #2

Hollywood Walk of Fame, Los Angeles

2010-07-22T22:51:00.002+08:00

My Own Private America #1

Gas Station, Santa Babara

2010-07-10T10:10:00.003+08:00

Worn out by the third day, New York gave me a headache which only eased out at Central Park which had signs that said 'Quiet Zone'. There was nothing that belonged particularly to New York, and I wonder if it's because it's been replicated everywhere else I can no longer differentiate the original from the non-originals. All I know is, it's difficult to keep up with this city that breathes fast and loud and the only way to like it is to appreciate it from a distance - in pictures, in words, in travel guides, outside your window. Today, I just relished in the thought the it's NEW YORK outside, but I'm staying in and I'm reading a book and eating Chinese takeout.

2010-06-29T01:49:00.003+08:00

It's cooling here in San Francisco, less than 14 degrees in the night, close to 20 out in the sun, we could live just on a t-shirt and a sweatshirt. Sometimes, it gets a little windy and that's when I shiver a little, my lips cracking, and I remind myself to drink some water - still water, sparkling water, just water.

I slept-in this morning, the sun is really strong outside and I can't figure out how to turn off the heater in the apartment. C left for work early in the morning, leaving his gym card and house keys behind. A is back from R's place, and just, well, hanging out thinking about when we should start driving down to L.A..

Decisions are reduced to just the breakfast menu, the iPod playlist, the day's schedule, the way to dress. And of course, a cold or hot shower.

I haven't seen any cats in Castro. Many dogs, but no cats.

2010-05-13T03:30:00.001+08:00

“我們之間的默契與諒解，是壹千壹萬個人都無法相對比較的。你是唯一讓我覺得我的人生不會孤寂，不會沉寂的曙光。” 所以每夜目眩神暈，倒臥床上，不想甦醒。

2010-05-10T06:26:00.000+08:00

神祕肌膚：

「當我們聽著聖誕詩歌
我真想說都結束了
沒事了

但那是謊言
而且我說不出話來
真希望我們能將過去一筆勾銷

但是沒辦法
我們無能為力
於是我保持沉默
試著用心電感應傳達最深的歉意

我想著世上的不幸哀傷與痛苦
覺得好想逃開

我衷心希望我們能拋開這世界
如天使般飛上夜空
神奇地...

消失」

2010-05-09T03:36:00.001+08:00

17th April 2010

2010-05-01T01:56:00.002+08:00

1734，你的加入是見證接下來快樂完美日子的實物－不管多累，我們一起撐著，一定ok！

2010-04-29T01:46:00.000+08:00

這屋裡不再烏煙瘴氣
多了陽台讓我們呼雲吐氣
瞬間的東西難以言諭
只能用肢體配合感應

我逐漸了解這樣的需要

而後才發現
原來自己沒有想像般的偉大。

2010-04-17T23:59:00.001+08:00

耳膜或許暫時破損，但那不盡然是件壞事。
至少我知道心裡尚為崩潰。
也知道青春不曾離我遠去。
生命有一種絕對。
很多時候哽咽著，只因你譜的詞曲，讓我再次認清一些唯獨生命才能給與的美麗。
在燦爛的燈光，揮灑的煙火裡，你讓我緊握著一首笑忘歌，一隻溫熱的手。
而你告訴我的後青春，在烏黑的夜空下，是流星，劃過所有輕易蛻變的夢。
我不曾想過放棄，只不過在追逐的過程，把那一些些的一些，弄丟了。
我還在你聲音裡盤旋。我還在即將拆毀的體育館裡奔跑。
而最重要的小事不過於要自己記得：
即便今晚如此短暫的時間，即便今晚如煙，
也要他輝煌，不論存亡，都不準發黃。

2010-04-14T02:47:00.002+08:00

我又拿起了相機。
當然這些不是近日周遭的留影，但卻與近日的心情（或許在某種程度上）有所相似。

看過的風景，曾經如此迷人，卻偶爾會因為時間的流逝而淡忘。

我把太多的此刻變成超現實的籠子，將自己綁架。
不小心也將身旁的人與物羈絆在無限膨脹的徬徨失措當中。
在光影的彩畫中，我看見世界裡，那個一直存在的亮麗。
那麼透徹，那麼純淨。

也許這就是底片所能做的。
不管光線可否驚豔犀利，只要它通往你心，其他人在不在意，都不重要了。

我又拿起了相機。
因為我想捕捉的不是美景，而是我不時會遺漏紀錄的心境。

2010-04-01T05:01:00.002+08:00

就這樣無眠的醒過來
到了早晨看見第一道
折射的光線並不燦爛
而且有些微弱的跡象
他的表情裡只有甚遠
的猜疑及無法解析的
問句後面的無法定義
失去了原來顯眼色澤
於是光明裡的黑暗處
無疑是安全的防空壕
在乍泄的火焰裡選擇
超然自逸份外的冷靜
但也畢竟可以說是死
了

2010-03-28T20:05:00.003+08:00

我喜歡鬍鬚刀與皮膚摩擦發出的聲音
割下天天滋養的鬍紮
那樣乾脆
抹上一層薄荷泡沫
清涼劃下
然後沖洗
水中盤旋
滑至黑洞

2010-03-24T14:34:00.001+08:00

今天幫媽媽發出的電郵

－－

XX：
谢谢你在百忙中还抽出时间给我电邮。
这次生病，我深有体悟。我觉得能做是福，只是时刻要提醒自己注意身体健康，尤其是饮食，生活作息更是不可忽视。现在我觉得自己简直是一个废物。除了花一大笔钱在治病外，还要忍受病痛的折磨，个中滋味非局外人所能知。我宁可做一个健康而忙碌的人，也不要现在这个样子。
我说这番话的目的是希望你不要做生活的逃兵，勇敢地面对生活中的一切问题，一切都会过去的，只是如你所说要保持开心，快乐的心境。
我要去看医生了。下次再谈。
祝
吉祥如意
快快乐乐
开开心心

XX

－－

2010-03-23T08:37:00.002+08:00

J 告訴我他當時想念那個他的時候，他會在紙上畫上樹枝。
一天畫一次，告訴自己今天的想念已經用盡。
我也尋找自己的方式，取得畫樹枝的同等效應。
如果是畫樹枝，我應該可以天天都畫下整片森林吧。

但近日，我想到你可以安心辦事，開始正常呼吸，
我的想念就停止了。
沒有甚麼比知道你快樂更讓人高興。

2010-03-21T04:09:00.002+08:00

我是個路痴，所以今晚我也還是要先繞過你的家門，我才懂得回家的路。

2010-03-20T01:46:00.000+08:00

2010-03-20T01:19:00.000+08:00

會有人不喜歡下過雨的天空嗎？雖然夜色讓我無法看到它晴空的那一刻，我仍然在它餘留的清涼中蕩漾。我平靜，因為我知道再著急也沒有甚麼用。我無力，因為我懂得去做的我都在嘗試做了。
最近我甚麼事都做不好。不是大事，因為大事讓我腦筋特別警惕。還好。是小事。瑣碎的，像關燈，洗杯，刷牙，開車，睡覺。我讓他們自由運作，但結果總好像是漏了些甚麼的，一定有缺憾。或許我就是這樣的一個人，一個有缺憾的人。沒有完整的企圖，自然也沒有完整的可能。
今晚我打開窗戶，讓自然的空氣吹進我房間裡。手裡握著一杯溫熱的水。
我開始咳嗽。
剛剛在 Vashti Bunyan 的音樂會裡一直不斷克制自己搔癢的肺部，害怕影響前來欣賞的觀眾。她的聲音讓我想起我初次聽見她的時的模樣，四年前的我。想要到處試探、四處張望，恍惚不定的我。四年... 都走過了。
要結束了。要結束了。
我還聽的到媽媽在房內咳嗽的聲音。都是爸爸讓我們倆生病。當然還有我自己－離不開手上的煙圈。
媽媽你辛苦了。
媽媽我有好多的話想跟你講...

2010-03-16T17:21:00.002+08:00

散漫台灣－一個台灣攝影的投影片檔案：

"我問火車何時會到這裡
站務人員告訴我
大老遠到這裡
要學著等待別急"

那是我在台北上的第一堂課

XX，謝謝你的分享。

這幾天新加坡開始下雨。
之前應該有一個多月沒有下雨了。
終於下雨的時候，大家都好快樂。
所有島國的炙熱，一時消散。
但存留下的濕熱，久久彌漫。

你能想像在沒有季節變化的國度生活嗎？
那種沒有可能讓你意識時間變遷的平行，
沒有可能讓你隨著天氣轉變帶動心情變遷的孤獨。
你無法說，好的，秋天過了，我將不再憂傷。

2010-03-15T01:21:00.002+08:00

現在才恍然大悟
原來之前我認為的所有一切都是自己內心升起的作用
原來有問題而我一直沒有意識
對不起
我嘶吼生氣
對不起
我只懂窒息
對不起
我指東指西
但忘了看的
清晰
忘了給你體貼
忘了給你溫柔
忘了給你要的
忘了給你生活

我要
費盡
心思
努力
更加
愛你

因為我只知道如何這樣做

i wake up, and you're the first thought in my head.
i try to sleep, but i just want to hear your voice.
it's been like this for two years.
my mind doesn't take a break when it's you.

2010-03-07T21:54:00.002+08:00

你所有的從前在這一刻裡使我不安
而你卻若無其事一聲不吭
不知你死我活
然後

2010-03-07T00:18:00.001+08:00

你不再溫柔。

在生活的種種壓力下
你常露出
你的愁眉
你的苦臉

你說這是你真摯的情感
難道你要我在你面前
虛偽奉承？

我不懂得哪一個比較好

2010-02-14T00:00:00.001+08:00

去年這個時候，我等候飛往台北的班機
期待另一個地域給我驚喜。
今年這個時候，所有遨遊飛翔的念頭逝去
只想安穩平息。

或許望著某個定點，我可以得出怎樣的意義。

在同一片天空裡，那一頭綻放璀璨的煙火。
我這裡只有毫無驚喜的日光燈，安全的照耀。

應該要成天在屋內，
我想我才能從這般的低谷中走出。

前面好多的不確定，
要等到達的邊際，
我或許才能看出。

2010-01-26T21:05:00.002+08:00

It's not even happiness, this warmness that is in me after an evening jog, but closer to peace, a state that I've learnt over this wave of events to be more realistic than joy as it is more than a sparkle, but a persistent afterglow.

2010-01-24T16:17:00.002+08:00

(Ha ha ha) Six months ago.

2010-01-24T14:41:00.002+08:00

昨日戲班最後一夜

The final song was sung last night.

2010-01-18T20:47:00.001+08:00

You'd never know the ones who had cradled you, or how it felt like

2009-12-03T13:43:00.000+08:00

2009-11-30T00:10:00.001+08:00

Babies make everyone happy.

2009-11-22T22:25:00.001+08:00

We were there last year in December.

2009-11-22T19:09:00.002+08:00

There is no way anyone could save a badly metered photograph, except enforcing the memory surrounding its circumstance and production, and hoping devoutly that there will be many more of such frames that would be possibly created.

2009-11-15T23:41:00.001+08:00

my brother put it in the only way possible: too sian to do anything
i hate walking past the second floor where i see the handbag on the dressing table
and the things in the refrigerator
all those reminders
every morning when i wake

get well soon, i miss you at home.

2009-10-29T11:22:00.001+08:00

Haven't been moved by a film for the longest time.
Do experience Talentime in the cinemas before it's gone.

2009-10-07T15:05:00.000+08:00

i became an uncle on a friday, 25 sept 2009.

One week old Clyde.

2009-09-23T02:13:00.002+08:00

Labour Day, coming soon.

2009-09-18T18:58:00.000+08:00

While searching for Alfian's tree, I found a clearing in the middle of Kunming.

2009-09-09T01:56:00.006+08:00

First Fruits is holding a launch for How Wee's Mandarin poetry collection: "The Glacial Equator".
Do drop by the Esplanade Library on 19 Sept at 1530hrs.
There will be readings by Royston Tan, How Wee himself, and also Yang Yang, accompanied by live piano music from InTune Music School. Loo Zihan's short film based on one of the poems from the collection will also be screened.
Collection will be sold for a very special price of $15 on the day.

2009-09-07T12:22:00.000+08:00

2009-09-04T01:32:00.001+08:00

與機車的邂逅，從你的椅背開始。
從台北市基隆路三段的7－11開啟，開往烏來的溫泉區。
一個星期天早晨的通話，一路40分鐘前進不停歇，第一次的機車旅行。
感受周遭車輛的逼近；行人、馬路、天氣的真實距離。
經過養豬場聞到糞便散發的異味，你問我，為何放屁。
我不敢剖腹大笑或破口大罵，因為當時的我，仍在尋找你奔馳中的平衡。
我常不自覺的讓自己的頭盔不小心碰撞到你的。
我向你說對不起，但那道歉在風中稀疏，而淡去。
原來，在機車上交談並不容易。
你堅持要帶我到山頂，一個無人知曉的頂端。
那景觀不算震撼，但那氛圍，那樣的無聲，那樣的寂靜，我依舊記得。
抵達的時候已暮色降臨，使得下山的旅途極度寒冷。
那已是冬天的最後幾天。我只能借用你的體溫讓我自己不在寒風中凍却。
於是我用手抓緊你的肩膀，你的上圍。
今天我在開車的時候看到了同樣的情境。
一對戀人這樣相擁，機車慢速的在我車前前進。
我沒有急著超越，只顧觀察那熟悉的默契。
你是我在台北認識的第一位台灣朋友，但也成為今後彼此互想不相干的陌生人。
之後的出遊，你都不曾讓我們再次獨處－那俄文的演奏會，那布萊德比特的電影。
影片中，布萊德比特騎著機車滑過雨後的柏油馬路，他的背影讓人如此的癡迷。
不是他明星的身影，而是那騎著機車的灑脫與自由－那種方向盤無法詮釋的利落。
後來我們也在一次的雨後相逢了。
我拖著我的腳踏車，在椰林大道上與一位剛認識的女同學步行著。
你用一貫的親切告訴我你將要考試而膽怯。
我用一貫的真切告訴你一定要加油。還有，再見。
而後，便沒有了再次的遇見。
今天在車子裡體驗的不是一種惦記或想念。
只是記憶，他偶然浮現，而需要
沈澱。

2009-09-02T18:43:00.000+08:00

There was a moment in Taipei when I felt like I was part of a family, if you know what I mean; the morning I received a text message from Dad, "Expecting a boy. Your younger brother enrolling in your University."

2009-08-16T17:29:00.000+08:00

Someone shared this one Facebook. Ha ha ha ha.

2009-08-16T13:55:00.000+08:00

2009-08-11T11:25:00.001+08:00

還是回到了被雨困住的城市
於是，我們在寢室裡播放著
情歌，試著尋找溝通的語言
而後，夢境裡頭忘記之前的
一切，不間斷重復糾纏的雲
煙

2009-08-06T00:03:00.002+08:00

No more liao, 5 months in Taipei, this is the last frame on my compact.

2009-08-05T23:48:00.000+08:00

Like spiderwebs.

2009-08-04T22:36:00.000+08:00

A cool night and a hot afternoon.
Frames I stole from time and uncertain, now, if they are indeed mine.

2009-08-03T12:57:00.000+08:00

He's always there for the 5 months I was around.

2009-08-02T12:49:00.000+08:00

2009-08-01T00:00:00.001+08:00

Wednesday Morning, also

2009-07-31T20:28:00.001+08:00

Wednesday Morning

2009-07-30T12:18:00.000+08:00

Near Gong Guan, in an alley across my university in Taipei.

2009-07-29T10:41:00.000+08:00

8.10 a.m., East Coast Park

Took a lovely walk this morning.

2009-07-28T22:39:00.000+08:00

2009-07-27T21:33:00.001+08:00

2009-07-21T22:50:00.005+08:00

The extraction was almost mechanical; the pain, an aftermath. And even then, it was bearable. Only the bleeding, the wound is still being mended.

2009-07-12T21:05:00.001+08:00

We miss you.

2009-07-11T15:25:00.001+08:00

Evening

2009-07-10T15:20:00.001+08:00

Noon

2009-07-02T23:58:00.000+08:00

I want to remember this mysterious day. 烏日－埔里－河堤－南投佈教院－中台山－地藏院人乘寺

2009-06-27T12:39:00.002+08:00

The bicycle still stands parked and locked at the gate of the school. The long walks we took, holding hands in the cover of the night and the extended conversations, as if our first date, made the key obsolete. We only rode on it once, or twice, I cannot remember. But we were dating again. I was sure.

You were crying on the bus to the airport over a span of two songs - one that played repeatedly when I first fell in love with you but thought it could never happen, another by your favourite band that looped endlessly on radio when I was 17. It was in the middle of the first song when I turned away from the speeding highway to notice your teary eyes. My sleeves were made damp, quietly. I remember the stationery shop, you said before the song began its first note. A block of hideous green passed by on our right.

The much anticipated and discussed typhoon headed away from the island on the same day Micheal Jackson passed away - you walked in from a designated smoking alleyway on the outside of the airport to tell us both, answering your own rhetorical question regarding the headlines today. It was a cardiac arrest, you also said. We accepted the news with a brief note on how sudden it was, his death and departure.

We took turns to cry in the last three days. Him first, then me, and then you. Tears, unexplained, your thoughts, unclear, my heart, in disarray. When night fell, after a long day of packing and moving and saying goodbye, I felt like I was back at the first night in Taipei, lost, though not totally, exhausted, but cluelessly.

2009-06-23T01:59:00.003+08:00

We brought Vincent out for a walk.