30 December 2005
So this is it. No body transformations, no extra inches (attributing to my height, of course), no overnight wrinkles, no sudden revelations, no immediate maturity. I'm 20, and it crept in silently.
Silent internally, but it began externally with a chorus of about 5 people at 0000++hrs when I entered the gate and was presented with a birthday song. It was funny actually, because I couldn't accept the fact that it was conjured by so much testosterone. In fact, the scene replays now as I write this. And I'm grinning. So a birthday in camp wasn't that bad.
Then my buddy gives me a card which I had promised not to open till I got home. Which I do, now, as I am typing this, I am reading his card. I asked him if he lick sealed the envelope, he says, "it's water". What flows from his pen is no longer ink, but a stream of thoughts that is thicker than water, or his favourite beverage that is coffee, that is - heart.
Text messages start coming in. But my phone is switched off.
I read the text messages that come in. My phone hangs.
I meet Z in town for dinner. I got my second birthday present from her and Loo, which is a Paper Pinhole Camera (which would be really fun to play with) and we mused about almost everything in our present lives. It's only later on the bus that I read her card and I realised she only lived one year of her life without me and that was the year I was pre-born. She drew a swing and a structure that was reminiscent of the playground that had been torn down, of which we've spent about a quarter of our lives hanging around.
More text messages come in throughout the day.
And the concluding one from Hanis, who likes to be special, and took pride in being the last (which is indeed a unique gesture).
So birthdays are always internalised somehow. We always feel
different, even though age is supposed to do something to your body, it does more to your mind. The text messages and cards mattered more to me than anything else in the day. Money could buy me presents, but not friends, or what they represented.
I am always apprehensive the day after my birthday, because the year is ending and I know not what to expect in the coming year.
19 had been what a conclusion to being a teen must be: a lesson learnt, a fall, some failures, but ultimately, unforgivably wild. And what will 20 be?
D woke up at 12/30/2005 11:59:00 PM [comment]
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24 December 2005
My father left for China last Sunday, and Loo was presented with the car keys for the past week. We must have travelled the whole of Singapore in the week. Pan Island Expressway (PIE) was literal. And the stereo played "Coast to Coast", which was most appropriate and timely.
It was a fantastical week.
We cycled to Orchard yesterday. Of course, Orchard was a pit stop for his home. For me, it was enough to pull the sirens on my current level of fitness. And to prove, once again, that human traffic is formidable.
It's Christmas Eve but I'm home alone. I guess that's what it means to be single.
I tried writing today. I turned on my computer, and clicked on the word processor. The cursor just blinked as I stared blankly on the screen. Nothing comes. I write a few sentences, and I hit the backspace.
Inspiration is leaking out of me.
I need to feel passionately about something or somebody.
I'm losing intensity.
I can't express joy, nor sadness.
Because all I feel now is indifference.
D woke up at 12/24/2005 11:44:00 PM [comment]
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18 December 2005
(1) I love the city because it's natural. The city is built around humans, and not the other way round, like in Singapore, where we have to accommodate the city's developments and urbanisation. There is a sense of freedom and a certain familiarity (perhaps the language) in the city. To feel at home in a foreign land, is indeed a wonderful feeling.
And the food is good.
(2) I now have a sister-in-law. It's the first wedding I've been to that I actually knew the bride and groom personally.
(3) I'm too drained to describe anything else. There was much I wanted to say at length. So points (1) and (2) will be dealt with again.
(4) Taipei is an inspiring place for film making and photographs.
(5) I got the Video iPod for my birthday (which is 30 Dec, a reminder for people who aren't good with numbers).
D woke up at 12/18/2005 09:17:00 AM [comment]
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