: in medias res :

26 April 2011

I was exasperated with the speed of the computer today and let out a flat monotonous "ahhh..." which traced me immediately to the cries I heard from you the day before you left. We never knew what they were for, as you were already drifting between different states of consciousness. I think I saw a sparkle of tear in your eye when you were about to draw your last breath. I am not sure, but I don't think you should cry. You were in great pain, now no longer.

I wished I could spend more time with you. I am only 25. That's about the official number of years I've spent with you. But deducting the time I was in army, the time I was rebelling against you, the times I was travelling, the times away from home. I wonder if you ever felt or knew how much I loved you. I could never repay those years. I wanted to, I am about to, now that I am working, but I am unable to.

We were chanting the Sutra of Impermanence earlier in the evening for you. It makes so much sense every time I read it. Death is not lovable, death is not lustrous.

I am headed towards a burn out. Everyday I end work feeling like I want to head home and bury my head in my pillow.

I have been swimming again, no longer running, I don't think I have energy for running. Soaking my body in the cool of the water is amazingly therapeutic. I might feel better to start lifting weights again.

But for now, I really need a flight, a journey, a few days of non-talking.

D woke up at 4/26/2011 10:19:00 PM [comment]

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20 April 2011

I am feeling fine emotionally, to my own bewilderment, but I have been experiencing an ache that disturbs me periodically on my right chest area. My emotional turmoil always seems to manifest itself on my physical being. I never get to feel a heart ache, but my body griefs, as if to ground me in the actual painful loss.

D woke up at 4/20/2011 08:32:00 PM [comment]

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16 April 2011

時間總是流逝的太快－還未來得及收拾悲傷，有得立刻帶給別人歡笑。

D woke up at 4/16/2011 11:50:00 AM [comment]

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13 April 2011

事發後第一次搭地鐵，在腦袋裡思考應該在哪個車站轉車。邏輯也是你從小灌輸的。一輩子的細節都與妳息息相關。

D woke up at 4/13/2011 04:19:00 PM [comment]

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10 April 2011

第一天到小學上課，妳和爸爸在休息時間，買了一盤五毛錢的炒粿條。黑色的粿條面，白黃參半的魚餅，翠綠色的盤子－我人生第一堂買賣交易課。我記得校園的圓形石桌，後門茂密的爬牆草在籬笆上攀岩。那個時候，島國的天氣好像沒有那麼熱。之後妳教我搭 8 號巴士，自行走路回家。8 號路線如今也已改名608。