26 April 2011
I was exasperated with the speed of the computer today and let out a flat monotonous "ahhh..." which traced me immediately to the cries I heard from you the day before you left. We never knew what they were for, as you were already drifting between different states of consciousness. I think I saw a sparkle of tear in your eye when you were about to draw your last breath. I am not sure, but I don't think you should cry. You were in great pain, now no longer.
I wished I could spend more time with you. I am only 25. That's about the official number of years I've spent with you. But deducting the time I was in army, the time I was rebelling against you, the times I was travelling, the times away from home. I wonder if you ever felt or knew how much I loved you. I could never repay those years. I wanted to, I am about to, now that I am working, but I am unable to.
We were chanting the Sutra of Impermanence earlier in the evening for you. It makes so much sense every time I read it. Death is not lovable, death is not lustrous.
I am headed towards a burn out. Everyday I end work feeling like I want to head home and bury my head in my pillow.
I have been swimming again, no longer running, I don't think I have energy for running. Soaking my body in the cool of the water is amazingly therapeutic. I might feel better to start lifting weights again.
But for now, I really need a flight, a journey, a few days of non-talking.
D woke up at 4/26/2011 10:19:00 PM [comment]
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