20 August 2014
i am in love with these quiet nights when the seasons are settling into themselves
the winds are less strong
and there is no ambivalence in the temperature
or our choices of clothing
you asked me what i wrote about in Chinese
on the day we met
and I couldn't answer you
because it was a dreadful self-pitying reflection on
missed chances to connect
despite a strong feeling that we must have met
and known each other
for a few lifetimes in fact.
it was about my few meetings with people
you, especially,
and the weight that comes with knowing
that perhaps it was not possible for something concrete to materialise.
that, now, we have chosen to sculpt and carve a life of our own,
seemed at that time
impossible and inappropriate.
i did not translate it,
as at that moment you asked me,
those sentiments were forgone and unnecessary.
we had each other in our embraces
and definitely, a future postcode.
i didn't tell you,
because i wished secretly for that summer of music on the balcony to never end.
and while the season draws to a close,
we are beginning a new one on our own.
indefinitely stretched, and in a bliss of echoes that goes
"Oh I...
I want to be with you everywhere."
we took the music to mornings,
a sunrise cut into strips by the blinds,
arched across our bodies
cocooned in bed.
D woke up at 8/20/2014 07:43:00 AM [comment]
* * * *
18 August 2014
Jun -Jul, 2011
the sea, the sea
& the ranges
of emotions
and frothy air bubbles
evaporating.
don't take me seriously.
this is not art,
just rambling. and
thoughts, while i wait.
D woke up at 8/18/2014 07:59:00 PM [comment]
* * * *
15 August 2014
a deep engulfing sorrow still grips my heart
when i see your pictures accidentally on my desktop
i didn't set out to cry
but just scrolling past them,
my tears would well up.
i was talking to siu about this the other day
he said,
the mourning never stops.
but smile,
we both agreed.
after shedding a tear or two,
you know they're happy
and they would be happy to know you are too.
D woke up at 8/15/2014 05:53:00 PM [comment]
* * * *
25 July 2014
reading academic journals and excited wildly by the term "the practice of everyday"
looked up into the sky outside the kitchen in the garden, clouds in a shade of light red, shifting so quickly. I thought I saw a skeleton. and then I realised, you see what you want to. you reference forms with what you know. but the clouds, they are just clouds. forms or shapes, of clusters or like tonight, a school of them, scattered. there, and not always there. immemorable and dissimilar but always there.
D woke up at 7/25/2014 08:09:00 AM [comment]
* * * *
25 June 2014
夜深，處理好作業
又開始思考。
剛來倫敦，正是夏天
轉眼間冬天也過去了
春天也悄然的變成盛夏。
喜歡倫敦的夏天還殘留著春天的寒意。
今晚想著媽媽 29 歲時的模樣
她的生活、她的理想。
那時的她應該已是哥哥們的母親
體驗著她喜歡的家庭、幼教的生活吧。
雖然我相信她不一定過的快樂
畢竟家婆對她的偏見、爸爸家庭施加的壓力。
當時的她或許也閃過對「人生意義」的質疑。
但我想著她抱著理想與愛護家庭的任性
咬緊牙根省吃儉用，
與我揮霍的個性，
真是慚愧。
29 歲的媽媽，腦子裡想的是什麼？
我也只能揣測與好奇。
D woke up at 6/25/2014 07:48:00 AM [comment]
* * * *
19 June 2014
the leaves rustle as a reaction
my afterthought
last night in the garden
was of shifting clouds and the obscured stars
this afternoon, the cutting of light by the fence
i was reminded of firsts
loves, coffee, nicotine
the lightness of being
as i told you the name i intended to use
'being on water'
transient and reflective, light and almost impossible.
D woke up at 6/19/2014 04:00:00 AM [comment]
* * * *
05 June 2014
Another chilly night and I'm buzzed from a few pints with S talking about his relationship and it not working out the way most relationships are expected to. He offered me a cigarrette before boarding the bus that would take him one stop away to home. The rain falls heavier after he leaves. I draw long drags from the stick of nicotine, my head floating past the night into a history not too far away from me. When I was 24 again and C told me he is smoking so fast, fellow smoker friends said he would die earlier than anyone else. C taught me to appreciate the smell of smoke on someone's fingers. I recall all the deep dark nights in London, the quietness of opening my window and letting the night air in. It's chilly, not what I expected of summer, but in a nice way. I didn't want to be reminded of our equatorial island by the weather. The nights of hearing the birds cry were the nights I fell repeated in love with this city, where I gave myself concessions to be astray, to be someone I never thought I would be. But here I am, humming a tune in my head, talking about farewells and how people here were used to them, looking at people on the night buse, each weighed down by their own events of the day and looking forward to the hot shower waiting for them at the end of a long journey. The light in the bus illuminated their weariness, and they looked as far away as where I thought they would have come from. Have I arrived? Or is this merely the beginning?
D woke up at 6/05/2014 08:21:00 AM [comment]
* * * *
01 June 2014
The last wine we had today was called Dolce Naturale. And it was a sweet end to the afternoon of laughs and a whole new realm of knowledge. The beginning of the next half of the year approaches. Maybe the name says it all. Sweetness will come, naturally and eventually. I thought about the last moments, our last breaths. Hopefully we will close our eyes and think of the red cherries, or dates, or raisins, the scarlet of our lives a deep and delicious sweetness.
D woke up at 6/01/2014 01:55:00 AM [comment]
* * * *
15 May 2014
可惜較早的記憶都被近期的經歷鎖住了
我相信有好多的傍晚與昨天的一樣美好
但回憶總朦朧
只許近日的夕陽供人參考
夜，不突然
甚至悄悄
不察覺
我也已忘了曾看著你的雙眸
每一次都會重新想起原來你眼珠是
淡綠色的
偶爾棕色
光 X 顏色
傍晚從橘色，變橙色
變粉色，變紫色，變深藍色
變深灰色
我忘了計算
D woke up at 5/15/2014 11:14:00 PM [comment]
* * * *
14 May 2014
我一直以為香菸是困苦的人
轉身的依偎
那一年的歲月如天花板以上
傳來的電子音樂
隔著一道墻
淪於想像
絢麗混亂
置身事外
突然想起你年輕的面龐
望著我找藉口
當時的我說我瞭解
但我不贊同
而現在我瞭解你並未在困苦裡找寄託
而是讓出口變得寬闊
那人跟我要的不多
我給的更多
我猜想潛意識裡有種對討乞的憐憫
他想要的也不過是快活
你說 好不容易挨過
我點頭 希望這一束雲朵
能綻放出許多燦爛的花朵
D woke up at 5/14/2014 04:02:00 AM [comment]
* * * *
09 May 2014
I wonder how the flowers bloom
at where I have no other choice
but to dispose of my ashes
the speed of time in the span
of which I drift
across thoughts
and sometimes time
the end of a night
where I lose all that's in my head
the russle of the trees
the time you made me promise
never to light up again
the way I drown in the caresses
of the sheets
the gentle bird songs
before the creeping of sunlight
if I may say a word
it would be silent
as nothing would make sense
if words were created
the choice between an eternal salvation
and a temporal escape
both seem probable and desirable
but one is a circle that excludes the other
and one is a thought that would be forgotten
never realised and maybe never remembered
with the snail on the windowsill that makes it way slowly into the room
I carefully remove
so I can shut myself from the wind
and the cool of a distant night
which I may revisit perhaps
and perhaps not
D woke up at 5/09/2014 10:47:00 AM [comment]
* * * *
26 April 2014
Kidd Pivot / Crystal Pike "The Tempest Replica"
The sounds, that I suppose were of creaking wooden floorboards and an opening door underscoring a sparsely melodic piano, bell, guitar piece — was an anticipation of an entrance, a presence, a character, a movement. It was sometimes stretched and became a percussion. The rattling of a metal foil, the sweeps of waves, and tapping water. Remember these. How they worked together.
The multimedia opened with a spotlight image of rain behind which characters dressed in white danced. Projection escapes the scrim and falls on the character, almost like an animation. A clever overlap which was exposed by strobe lighting.
Identification of characters possible as they changed out of the "paper-cut" costumes that masked their features. Each character has significant and clear visual language.
Post-show: Director talks about the body and various possibilities of stoppages. How the body comes to a stop — something she always thinks about. The removal of verbal cues as a way to connect and feel with other senses and on a visceral level.
D woke up at 4/26/2014 05:34:00 AM [comment]
* * * *
25 April 2014
1. 我問你怎麼知道藥效發作了。你說「Everything is different」
我心裡想著：你確定是藥效，而不是因為我？
2. 在附近的泰國餐館，決定破戒吃綠咖喱。
想到自己節食的計劃只持續兩天，覺得有點可笑。
看著河裡的水泛著波光，我突然想起 16 歲的自己。
一隻肥胖笨拙的身子，自憐害羞卻裝做堅強耍酷的男孩。
我記得自己蓄了一頂長髮，毫不覺得自己是胖子。
體育課總會要秤重，我想起我總是會看看壁板上以自己高度超重的指標，然後給老師報比指標底一點的數字，以確保自己不用在休息時參加肥胖俱樂部。我突然想起老師的表情。那種用眼測都知道這位同學是胖豬的神情，卻又無可否認或許他真是在邊緣的無奈。
我吃著綠咖喱，笑著。
怎麼會有人相信我報的數字呢？60 幾公斤不是腰圍 36 寸的人的體重啊。
想起當時白色透明的校服，跨褲盛行的年代，我除了傻笑，也找不到別的表情了。
3. 走到地鐵，我想著假日真的要結束了。
記得我以前曾問過自己為甚麼用「假」來形容休息的日子？
今天我想我了解了。因為工作、付出，是真實的。休閒、娛樂，是「假」的。
拿假，放假，假期...
我不想生活真實，想這樣子過一輩子的假期。
D woke up at 4/25/2014 03:42:00 AM [comment]
* * * *
24 April 2014
1. I am getting back in the momentum of writing. Because of C, and because before the holidays, in a writers' workshop, the instructor said, 'Don't stop writing, even nonsense.'
2. For some reason, I saw an image of the waitress at the Ischia restaurant in my head that day. Her inability to understand our English and having to second-guess our requests. And her lips pressed together to form a smile. I thought of all the diners in the restaurant, eating their individual plates cooked in seawater, pretending that all was fine and talking in hushed tones. It was the sea-sick pill we took before that made us drowsy and lazy. We missed the chance to dine earlier at the pier, with the good-looking waiter who was again inept at English. I remember wanting to learn Italian, to sweep them off their feet. These boys who were leading simple lives at the pier, not needing to go anywhere because the salt in the air was nourishing enough. The boy who sold the delicious pizza dough. The younger ones who called us 'arigato' and then 'chings' when Dann appeared. I am trying to remember, but all I can recall are the waves hitting on the shores again and again, the seagulls circling, and the distant chatter in Italian.
3. If I could sculpt this image in words, why let an image take away that privilege? I am afraid of taking out a camera at these beautiful moments. I know you'd be conscious and that will destroy this. I will look at you and smile because we know. The projector runs in my mind, they can be replayed, overlapping scenes, light on water, light in water, light on your face, casting a shadow, blue, red, orange, bright, an originating source, clear, lucid, clean. The colours sometimes undecided or subconsciously corrected. Blur, fuzzy, sharp, true.
4. You were dancing in the living room. 70s electronic. Awkward long limbs, mechanical gestures. Avoiding my gaze, but dancing for me. It was 10 seconds maybe? But that spontaneity between us stretched forever.
D woke up at 4/24/2014 06:46:00 PM [comment]
* * * *
不像悠長的暑假，春季復活節的假期很快就要過去了。
白天的日光很曬，讓我有些緊張。不想炎夏那麼快來，想聞著春的氣息久一些。
「Nightswimming」今天你播放著這首我好久沒聽到的歌。
頓時我腦海漂回到新加坡的房間，在電腦前燒 CD ，想在來倫敦前把音樂帶齊。
我告訴你心裡的感慨 － 春天要在忙碌裡結束。快活的日子要告個段落了。
你笑著說：「我們還可以這樣過日子啊。」
回家的路上我想著春天。萌芽的季節。
我的春天過去了嗎？還是我們的人生如同四季不斷的輪迴？
我憶起那一段好似春天的歲月。
那覺得所有事物都很美好，所有美好都會常存的幾年。
聽著河畔的水聲，享受春天寒冷卻不刺骨的風 － 所有的記憶冰冰的、亮亮的。
那時愛過的人，那時相信的愛，那時所信仰的。
「Nightswimming」歌曲未終，外頭的樹葉搖曳擺動。
我看見穿著黑色風衣的情侶在遛狗。
我們安靜聽著，沒有說話。
「Everybody Hurts」的前奏出現，我本想回家的心情又延誤了他的表決。
我唱著歌，沒有看著你。
在深藍色的天空發光的時候，我距離自己的屋子只有三百米。
在街角，我想起你尷尬的微笑。你堅決的想為我做飯，健身後煮了一頓蔬菜麵條的晚餐。
色彩斑斕，冬季、夏季、分不清楚季節一包一包在超市販賣的時蔬。
調味不多，但那吃得出蔬菜鮮美的麵條，我真心覺得很實在。
你還是尷尬的笑著，不信任我的稱讚發自于內心。覺得那是我慣性的禮貌。
要到家的街角，我對自己，笑了。
我看著你所有的美好，覺得，能認識你一定是某種緣份。
我們都知道你愛著另一個人。不用以別的方式定義我們的關係。
年少時，我會想的特別多。但年紀大了，這樣的關係，或許已習以為常。
我在廚房切著剛從超市買回來的號稱新季節鮮甜可口的桃子。
它們一點也不甜。
撥開普通的橙子，卻覺得格外多汁甜美。
D woke up at 4/24/2014 04:09:00 AM [comment]
* * * *
23 April 2014
突然想起這部電影
這一幕一幕的畫面讓我想問
「Where did we meet?
Was it under the sun?
Or beneath the moon?」
在吉他結束後，還是沒有答案。
「Where will we meet?
Will there be birds?
Or will be the branches be bare?」
春天，所有在冬日酣睡的夏蟲慢慢蘇醒。
太陽下山的晚，夕陽的彩霞也停駐的久。
我在空中看見慢慢飄落的白色輕盈棉樹的種子，
在泳池的水裡看見滲透水面極密的波光。
你在泳池邊緣，光線在你身上舞蹈。
你在三溫暖裡，橙紅色的聚光燈照映在你鎖骨上。
我們安靜的走著，
避開路上還未蒸發的雨水。
傍晚的光線很乾淨很柔和。
沒有倒影，沒有顏色。
我聽著空中滑行的飛機。
我聽著蔬菜在油鍋裡煮熟。
我想我會懷念這樣的日子。
這種妳畢生都想著要過的日子。
D woke up at 4/23/2014 04:47:00 AM [comment]
* * * *
27 March 2014
有時候覺得自己到了某個年紀
很多的遭遇都是陰差陽錯
我在 Greenwich Village 與你碰面
不想忘記你羞澀誠懇的笑容
還有那句「你沒有問我啊」
字裡行間的遺憾
心裡悄悄的嘆氣
還有，
所有樂團的名字
所有私處的名詞
所有憧憬的明日
那月色下的帳篷
去洗澡的游泳池
昨天晚上分道而別時
你伸出手想握手道謝
我卻在同時張開雙手給你緊緊的擁抱
散步回家的路上我給路邊的流浪漢所有在錢包裡的銅板
和他說「希望你買碗熱湯」
他說「今晚，我只想求得十鎊」
然後一直很感謝我停下倒出所有的硬幣
在酒熏後的夜裡
忍不住給自己放縱的機會
走進還未打烊的便利店
吞雲吐霧裡
感謝在這樣的錯失
這樣的認識
這樣的絕望裡
我還沒有太多的絕望
也覺得沒有必要感傷
D woke up at 3/27/2014 11:58:00 PM [comment]
* * * *
21 March 2014
今天
深刻的體會
熱淚盈眶
第二次
為那一組照片
落淚
可能也因為期末作業
剛好挖掘這一段回憶
我好想妳
好想妳
但不可以告訴任何人
因為他們都會說
你要振作
你要放下
你要堅強
我依然正常的活著
然而也有軟弱的時候
J 說我在逃避
我想是的
我在逃離那種眾目睽睽
大家都有認定為正確生活方式
的束縛
眾人認為生活旨在追逐快樂
悲傷是沈溺
所以他們正確
我錯了
但我的悲傷沒有對錯
沒有重量
沒有枷鎖
沒有令人失望過
只有我找得到它
它找得到我
在眼淚裡
滾動
－
想起妳以前改作業會堅持用鋼筆
我有衝動想買一隻（其實一直都想買）
D woke up at 3/21/2014 06:18:00 AM [comment]
* * * *
19 January 2014
1
天天洗冷水澡 － 冬日養成的習慣。
冷熱交替，但開始與結束一定是冷的。
結束時，想到「泥娃娃」。
妳喜歡的歌。
突然看見歌詞裡的意境：
泥沼裡生出的娃娃，
或，
終將成泥的娃娃。
還有那首我常想到都會想妳為甚麼會用來哄我入眠的歌：
「太陽下山明朝依舊爬上來
花兒謝了明天還是一樣的開
我的青春一去無影蹤，
我的青春小鳥一去不回來
我的青春小鳥一去不回來」
我也看到妳買衣服時的內疚，
買兒童教育教材卻不吝嗇的闊氣。
還有喜歡燒飯後洗澡再來和我們用餐。
那天洗紅了顏臉，吃飯時別扭懊惱。
身為小孩的我卻好似沒有任何情緒。
好像有擔憂，卻不會為你而痛。
相反的幾年後，所有刺在妳骨肉上的針筒，我都覺得殘忍。
惦記著你，那是我喜歡做的一件事。
2
或許有些人覺得很憂傷。
友人R留言，叫我emo boy
我不否認，但也不肯定
emo似乎帶有貶義，是負面、多餘的。
但我不認為。
我不帶任何的情緒，面對著自己的情緒。
很淡定的看著這一切我必須承認它是過往的經歷。
但我想保留它，於是我創作。用拙略的文字音樂影像捕捉。
而我不是一個悲觀的人。
我渴求自己尋求平靜多過於歡樂。
歡樂很刻意，得在每一處尋找。
平靜不必哀求，一直很明瞭。
3
那天吃了很棒的薰衣草奶油餅乾。
鄰居烘培的。
午睡裡依稀聽見三人她們在門外對話。
但內容卻才剛剛獲知。
屋主說她患上乳癌。
哭了一陣。
屋主也陪著她哭。
給了她擁抱。
她有兩個可愛的小孩。
今早我才在市場裡一人坐在木凳上，
看著嘻笑瘋狂追跑的小孩。
心想：
如果這是我離開倫敦前來市場的最後一次，
我一定會記得這位小孩。
但他一定不會記得我，
或這個早上。
在他一圈一圈的追跑裡，
我想著可能在下個星期就不在同一個國度同一個氣候，
而他依然會追跑，這市場也應該不會有太大改變時，
我只告訴自己：這世界會一直這樣追跑著。
D woke up at 1/19/2014 07:25:00 AM [comment]
* * * *
12 January 2014
站在火車上，看著車頂的日光燈
晃著
我問我自己喜不喜歡現在這樣的生活
後來覺得每座城市在生活滲透一陣都會變得平淡，街道也會縮小，那是熟悉的一個必經過程
而又覺得喜歡不喜歡好像不那麼重要
都只是生活 平靜最好
-
今天在火車上看到猛吃薯片的女子。
這是第二次看見這樣的情景想起你。
第一次是一位放下電話，神情躁急的印籍女士
咬起薯片很猛，好像在鹽分裡尋找一種釋放與強烈的調味。她看著我和弟弟勉強的笑著。
我記得那時的心情。
她一包一包的開著薯片，每一個乾淨利落的咀嚼聲都讓我想起我們深夜裡因饞嘴愛吃而深感內疚的，當時在島國剛開始進口的 Ruffles 薯片。
今天這位女士沒有那種堅決
但似乎也有一種依偎。
像在鹽分裡找到一種寄託。
昨天是妳的生日，
我沒有特別想起。
但想到這裡，不禁在火車裡望著窗外已變暗的城市而懷念著那些還是個小孩的時光。
D woke up at 1/12/2014 03:07:00 AM [comment]
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09 January 2014
消失了一陣子。
回來，是因為文字回來了。
字句在腦子裡打轉。
這一年，好多的體驗與改變。
不在網絡空間記錄是因為不覺得想讓世界看見什麼。
所有的經歷都包裹在隨身攜帶的記事本里。
但在網絡空間說話，帶有種莫名的慰籍 － 彷彿你知道有人閱讀，釋懷了，心裡便不再沈重。
28歲後的第一個夜晚，我醉在挪威的酒吧裡。
不想喝醉的，但新朋友的慫恿與歡愉的氣氛讓我盡興的喝著。
然後失態了。
我極少會在公共場合有意識不清醒的時候。
兩次都是年尾的派對。得意忘形。
也也許是一種潛意識的釋放。
不曉得為甚麼 2014 年的第一個夜晚我覺得那麼孤獨。
可能寒冷的夜空，昏暗的城市，壯闊的冰山，她們都讓我覺得我離任何人都很遙遠。
而我到挪威的第一天，卻很愛這樣的疏離。
離開前的那個晚上，我卻自憐的搭著計程車回家，感歎自己陷入糾纏俗世愛戀的悲劇。
回到倫敦看見燦爛的陽光，我又頓時恢復平靜。有種重生的感覺。
把心情寫下，是因為我不想忘記這假想的「新希望」。
我說假想，因為他從未離開過自己。只不過我背棄了他，選擇黑暗。
而我想時刻提醒自己，自己一直與這樣的光明同在。
D woke up at 1/09/2014 05:19:00 AM [comment]
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21 February 2013
taken in 2008/09
why is it that i stopped taking photographs
'seriously' i do not know. i realized that in the past three years, i have been thinking in
soundwaves. even when i look at these pictures, i hear a certain soundscape - the whirr of the air-condition, the drilling from a distant renovation, loud bus engines stopping and moving off, crickets, tv from the neighboring room, fans turning.. some too indistinct for me to conjure.
the stillness i enjoyed the past few days have opened a slight door into the room where my thoughts used to be - far away from what i would share legitimately every night in my four hours. i am certain now that the four hours of jarring pop tunes exhausted me. i am thinking of ways to cure that.
maybe i'll turn off the speakers while i'm at work for two hours. i'll dream more about shadows and light and how they make me feel. i'll note them down and link them to my emotions. i'll try to express how i feel by writing about light and re-imagine my words into pictures. for the new year.
D woke up at 2/21/2013 04:49:00 PM [comment]
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10 February 2013
一場短暫清涼的小雨
她唱了這樣一首歌
「那天
我向你說了句不認真的再見。
可我深深地親吻你的臉。
我再也不可能累積出那麼多的眷戀。
我曾堆出最高的疲憊和思念。
到它垮前
那天。
今天仍是那天。
每天，都是我能愛你的最後一天。
每個今天。
後來，不是未來。
而是
從此，現在，今天。
我們像所有人一樣謙卑，
忙碌與分別。
走出家裡，
走在日復一日的大街。」
日子 - 張懸
D woke up at 2/10/2013 03:18:00 AM [comment]
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08 February 2013
莫名其妙晚上喉嚨癢癢想咳嗽
記得妳說這是涼咳
妳總是逼我且幫我塗上Vicks傷風膏
在脖子圍上圍巾或手巾才讓我入睡
不知道為什麼想到這裡我突然很想哭泣
或許近日發生的事讓我深刻覺得
只有妳的愛是真實且無私又無排斥的
其他的過客都無法再讓我落淚
因為我早已失去最值得我回饋的愛了
D woke up at 2/08/2013 12:56:00 AM [comment]
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總覺得人生裡有太多的再見與來不及。所以如果有選擇，我不會自願道別，或，把某人逐出自己的生活範圍。
當你選擇這樣做，我只覺得可惜，也對你十分失望。
原來我只不過是你想要我為你成就的某種人生目標而已。若無法達標，你便把我拋棄遷往下個目標。
我無法付出，並非因為我不愛你。
而是我處在一個我自己無法理解的悲傷裡。
但你的舉動讓我知道，你終究關心和愛護的不是我，而是你自己。
D woke up at 2/08/2013 12:24:00 AM [comment]
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